A couple of old entries. I used to be so determined to hide, but sometimes I have this insistent and crazy impulse to force myself open wide and throw everything out there for anyone who would care. How to balance those two competing desires? I probably wouldn't ever have linked these two journals together, except I've friend-locked the worst away anyway. I've kept that journal limited to strangers and a handful of friends for so many years but suddenly I'm sick of maintaining different facades for different people. Part of me is ashamed for my self-absorption but the other part of me wants to not care and is sick of even thinking about defending myself for anything at all, and especially for writing so much in personal journals or otherwise. Why hide away bits and parts of myself? Why not say "this is me" and refuse to apologize for it?
Since I keep getting messages about what's playing on the player at the bottom of the page, I added "Current Playlist" to the navigation. Hopefully I'll remember to update this list when I change the playlist. Remember, this playlist is subject to change at any time, although I haven't been changing it as consistently as I used to. Once upon a time, I had a different song for every entry that I posted.
1. Leona Lewis - Run (cover of Snow Patrol, see below)
Since some people have been emailing about past songs too, I'm going to start putting them here:
Big Bang - Haru Haru
Epik High - One
Epik High - Fan [for lyrics, see below]
George Davidson - Cristofori's Dream
Epik High - 1 Minute, 1Second
DBSK - Mirotic
Final Fantasy OST - To Zanarkland
Yiruma - River Flows in You
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Epik High – Fan
Translations compiled from aheeyah & various versions of youtube subtitles.
*Oh! (Even if I can’t have you) Even if it’s only in my mind (Even if I can’t touch you) Even if this dream will never come true (Even if I can’t say it) Even if I hide far away (You know I do) I love you (Even if you don’t know who I am…)
Verse 1- Tablo
Oh, baby don't you know? You don't even know my name.My heart flutters as I look at you through the night.Oh so beautiful, the photo of you that I hold in my hands.My psychotic whispers of love have been swept away in the world's cheerful praise of you. You probably can't hear it, right? Even if I die, it won't work out, right? Of course, even in my next life, you probably won't know me then either. I can't turn back now because I want you too much. I clutch my pillows tightly as I yearn for your kiss tonight.
Verse 1- Mithra
Does today mark our first meeting? You always ask that sort of question. I'll try to converse with your fleeting presence again today. It is always the same, but I'll be shaking again as I greet you. Even if the whole world stops listening to me, you'll be there to hear me out. I want you to shake my hardening form as I watch you get farther away from me. Far away, far away, you become a speck in the distance. Now from where can I see you again?
*Hook
Verse 2- Mithra
I wonder why you're not smiling today? I hope it was nothing serious. I can't bear to look at your grief stricken face, I'd rather it was me who was in pain. But the fact that I can't do that is such a pity. I want you to greet me happily for once. Ask me how I've been and then embrace me as I try to answer you. You, whom I can't have, feel, nor embrace...I'll be meeting you again in my dreams tonight.
Verse 2- Tablo
Even if it's just my dreams and people tell me that it won't work or laugh at my love...Even if people tell me that I'm insane and try to erase my world...You are mine, so why do I keep losing you to all those undeserving people? No, I can never do it, I'm going to make you look at only me from now on. I'll give you everything and when you kiss me, I'll give you the world. I will trap you inside my cold, dark chest so you can't escape from me. [ENG] You are my star, I'm your number one fan. Baby please, take my hand.
*Hook*
[ENG] Boys and girls who have fallen in psychotic love say oh, oh oh! [ENG] Boys and girls who have fallen in idiotic love say oh, oh, oh! Boys and girls who have fallen in hopeless love say oh, oh , oh! Boys and girls who have fallen in love like mine say oh, oh, oh!
I should be 100% focused on finals right now, but I can't help but focus instead on the fact that I just read a short piece by a long ago self proclaimed fan of mine and...
Why can I write like that?!
The ironic thing is that she was the one who was gushing to me about how she wanted to write like me. And now, about three years later, she's a better writer in the ways that really count. I know that's just in my opinion, but still, it makes me want to just go jump off a cliff.
I've noticed that some of the worst writers, from the conventional standpoint of spelling/grammar/etc. are the ones that best capture the really raw emotions. It's almost as if sophisticated language becomes a barrier to the actual thing - you get so wrapped up in the beauty of the words that it softens the impact somehow. Even with wrong word choices, the visceral emotions come through sharply. It's almost as if by breaking the language, or at least stretching all of its rules mostly unintentionally, it more direct conveys the human experience - I guess in the same way that almost all written dialogue is artificial, because people in real life simply don't speak so smoothly and clearly.
You know what I mean. There are really sophisticated and thoughtful TV shows out there that simply don't touch your heart, or sometimes they do, but while it makes you feel somewhat sad, you're not going to identify so strongly that you cry. And then there are horrible TV shows - a lot of those so-called "reality" shows, actually - that you know are supposed to be horrible and stupid, but they make their point and you just can't turn away from seeing those basic emotions at work. Somehow they they tap into what's common in all of us, so that we identify so strongly that it's impossible to deny.
A while ago I tried breaking down my own writing to try to tap into that basic, raw emotion. Instead, all I ended up with was more "beautiful" writing. I freaking hate my own writing style. I hate how I can't seem to break out of it, no matter what I try to do to it. People say the grass is always greener on the other side and I guess this is somewhat one of those cases where instead of being happy about the way I write, I want to be able to write like that, dammit.
What makes a piece of writing good? A lot of people can tell you a lot of things, but let's start with this working definition: A piece of writing is good when you can't help but read it.
Current Playlist updated btw. First song is now Leona Lewis' cover of "Run"
Hello darkness, my old friend I've come to talk to you again... - The Sound of Silence *
I think this is going to be the quarter where I completely fail at life.
Failure has always been my greatest fear. Well, it's actually a little bit more complicated than that. My greatest fear isn't failure. It's the illusion of success when actually you're just propelling yourself forward to failure.
Icarus flying. Yes, the huge background I painted for my author project on existentialism and Camus, Sisyphus and Icarus. The poems I used to write. My obsession with angels.
He's rising to meet the sun and it's so close and dazzling. He thinks he can touch it and so he tries even harder to fly. The golden orb is almost within reach and he can bask in the warmth of its light. He sees the world around him illuminated in such brilliant clarity and he's never seen anything so wonderful. But what he doesn't realize is that those makeshift wings are coming undone. He doesn't know that the higher he flies, the closer to the sun he gets, the faster he's actually falling.
Falling up.
It's not that he doesn't know the melting point of wax He's just forgotten that his wings aren't real
I've always hated the days between Thanksgiving and Christmas, but this year it's even worse than usual.
I can't give up even if it feels like my world is fracturing faster and faster.
There's too much to do and I don't think I can do it. But somehow all of it has to be done. If I'm still okay after these two weeks, then I'll take the time to be properly thankful.
ARTIST: Coco Lee (李美林) ALBUM: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon OST (臥虎藏龍) Translator: bloodredrosez, keep this credit if taking for use or reposting
Notes: I absolutely love this soundtrack. Even after listening and playing it for years, it never fails to send shivers down my spine. I prefer the Mandarin version of this song over the English, although both have nice lyrics basically with the same theme. Still, I feel like the Mandarin version is more depressing whereas the English lyrics are a little more hopeful, even exultant in the end. Maybe it’s because Hollywood has an aversion to death whereas very generally speaking, East Asian countries love it.
This is one of those songs with very simple lyrics that end up being really hard to translate because no matter what words are chosen, it seems like some of the feeling is lost. I think part of it is because the Mandarin is more profound. The language allows for fragments which encapsulate all these ideas in a few words/characters, whereas I end up having to use whole sentences that then sound childish and simplistic. (If you’ve ever tried to translate classical Chinese poetry, you know what I mean. Or even worked with haiku.) I want to draw your attention to the translator’s note for “eternal.” Those particular words evoke death, which shouldn’t be surprising given that sleep has been associated with death in every culture. The hard part is that with translation, you sometimes have to fix the meaning arbitrarily – for example, the title is literally “Moonlight Lover” and can be just that, but could also be more “moonlight’s lover” or even “lover of moonlight,” all of which subtly shift the meaning, you see? Anyway, I did my best, so leave comments if you have suggestions.
Oh yeah, the lines in parentheses are the ones that are spoken by the background vocals. And go Taiwanese pride for the Best Foreign Language Film Academy Award :]
月光愛人 | yue guang ai ren | Moonlight Lover (Traditional Chinese, pinyin, and English translation. English lyrics also available.) English Title: A Love Before Time
我醒來 睡在月光裡 wo xing lai / sui zai yue guang li I wake, having slept in the moonlight
下弦月 讓我想你 xia xing yue / rang wo xiang ni And the waning moon makes me think of you
不想醒過來 誰明白 bu xiang xing guo lai / shei ming bai I don’t want to awaken; who understands?
怕眼睜開 你不在 pa yan zheng kai / ni bu zai I am afraid of opening my eyes and seeing that you are not here
愛人心 沉入海 ai ren xin / chen ru hai The lover’s heart has sunk into the sea
帶我去 把它找回來 dai wo qu / ba ta zhao hui lai Take me there so I can find it again
請愛我 一萬年 用心愛 qin ai wo / yi wan nian / yong xin ai Please love me, for a thousand years, with your attentive heart.
〈愛是月光的禮物〉〈我等待天使的情書〉 ai shi yue guang de li wu / wo deng dai tian shi de qing shu (Love is the moonlight’s present / I wait for the angel’s love letter)
〈說你愛我〉 shuo ni ai wo (Say you love me)
我願為了愛沉睡 別醒來 wo yuan wei le ai chen xue / bie xing lai For love I am willing to be fast asleep, and not wake
永恆哪 在不在 yong heng na / zai bu zai That eternal* thing, is it here or not? //* figuratively the expression is “to pass into eternity,” e.g. to die
怪我的心 放不開 guai wo de xin / fang bu kai Blame my heart for being unable to let go
北極星 帶我走 bei ji xing / dai wo zhou North Star (Polaris), take me away
別躲藏 把愛找出來 bie duo cang / ba ai zhao chu lai Do not hide yourself, go seek out love
我愛你 每一夜 wo ai ni / mei yi ye I love you, every night
我等待〈等你〉 wo deng dai (deng ni) I wait here (waiting for you)
我的心 為了愛 睡在月之海 wo de xin / wei le ai / xue zai yue zhi hai My heart, for love, sleeps in the moon’s ocean
孤單的我 想念誰 誰明白 gu dan de wo / xiang nian shei / shei ming bai My lonely self, who am I missing (longing for)? Who understands?
〈我在月光下流淚〉〈也在月光下沉睡〉 wo zai yue guang xia liu lei / ye zai yue guang xia chen xue (Beneath the moonlight I cry, and beneath the moonlight I am fast asleep)
〈沒有後悔〉 mei you hou hui (without regrets)
等待真心人把我吻醒 deng dai zhen xin ren ba wo wen xing Waiting for a sincere person to kiss me awake
〈我在睡夢中一天〉〈也是在回憶中一年〉 wo zai xue meng zhong yi tian / ye shi zai hui yi zhong yi nian (I sleep in dream for one day, and sleep in memories for one year)
〈說你愛我〉 shuo ni ai wo (Say you love me)
我願為了愛沉睡 到永遠 wo yuan wei le ai chen shui / dao yong yuan For love I am willing to be fast asleep, for eternity.
* * *
English Lyrics - A Love Before Time (NOT a translation)
If the sky opened up for me, And the mountain disappeared, If the seas ran dry, turned to dust And the sun refused to rise I would still find my way, By the light I see in your eyes The world I know fades away But you stay
As the earth reclaims it due And the cycle starts anew We'll stay, always In the love that we have Shared before time
If the years take away Every memory that I have I would still know the way That would lead me back to your side The north star may die But the light that I see in your eyes Will burn there always
Lit by the love we have Shared before time
When the forest turns to jade And the stories that we've made Dissolve away One shining light will still remain
When we shed our earthly skin And when our real life begins There'll be no shame Just the love that we have made before time
on October 9, 2008
